Misc

All posts tagged jen ↓

Pilsen

Jen: My boss is all alarmed about the swine flu. He's convinced that we're going to get it (as we live in Pilsen with the Mexicans) and pass it on to him and the rest of downtown. He wants us to wear masks.
Heather: Oh my god, please mess with him.
Heather: Es la gripe porcina! Decirle a mi madre que yo la amo! *seizure*

Cover letters

Jen: What the heck do I put in a cover letter for this thing?
Heather: Ugh, cover letters suck.
Jen: They do. You ever see that South Park episode about hybrid cars? Everyone who drove a hybrid car eventually started to enjoy the smell of their own farts because they were so smug. That's how I feel whilst composing these things.
Jen: "I am detail oriented! [fart] *sniffff* ahhhh"

Crest Pro Health

Me: Hey, Jen, can you do me a favor and start using this new toothpaste I got so it's gone sooner? It's really awful.
Jen: Dude, your toothpaste tastes like Pepto Bismol.
Jen: I was all, "whatever, no toothpaste can really be that bad, I've tried just about every toothpaste sample under the sun, hit me with your best shot, Crest," but oh man. That is some mad unpleasant toothpaste. It's … offensively bland. With an assy aftertaste.
Jen: It's still not as bad as the Citrus Blast Whitening Expressions (marketed by Emeril Lagasse, as in BAM! that's some gross-ass toothpaste) or the chocolate-flavored extra fluoride stuff I had for my braces, but it ranks pretty low.
Best birthday present EVER!

Best birthday present EVER!

Pancakes

Jen: I just ate the three hugest pancakes ever eaten by the mouth of man. I think I'm going to die.
Jen: I'm having a heart attack...well, not quite. It's more like general chest pains.
Jen: I think I'm going to barf. What did I dooooo
Jen: whyyyyyyy
Me: In life, only regret the pancakes you did not eat.
Jen: that's beautiful
Jen made me this celebratory cake yesterday, haha. She asked Metafilter how to say “sayonara” in Russian and this was her favorite response.

Jen made me this celebratory cake yesterday, haha. She asked Metafilter how to say “sayonara” in Russian and this was her favorite response.

“I would still rather have a baby sloth … just because I feel like I would understand him. And he would understand me. And we would sit and watch Judge Judy reruns together and he would never judge me.”

—Jen, on the only marginal superiority of baby sloths to this gibbon

Not kiwis

Jen: Hey, Lily, are these your kiwis?
Lily: I...don't think so. I don't think I've bought any kiwis for a long time.
Jen: I don't remember buying kiwis, either. [opens bag and peers in at three brown, slightly furry-looking round objects]
Lily: How long have those been in there?!
Jen: Wait, I think they're limes.
The latest from jenreadsjunkmail

The latest from jenreadsjunkmail

Jen: God damnit what is his name?!
Me: Botero?
Jen: YES. That's it.
Me: All the really suspicious Google queries in my browser history are your fault.
Jen: Yeah, I know the feeling. I'm pretty sure if anyone ever got ahold of my computer, they'd think I was some fetishistic pervert.
"fat people painter"
"paintings of fat people"
"fat children paintings"
“The scene to the right, the fourth in Hogarth’s progression, is titled ‘The Reward of Cruelty’. Tom is shown being anatomized (the evidence of his hanging shown by the noose still around his neck) as further punishment for his evil deeds.” —Jen I’ve never had so much macabre fun reading a thesis.

“The scene to the right, the fourth in Hogarth’s progression, is titled ‘The Reward of Cruelty’. Tom is shown being anatomized (the evidence of his hanging shown by the noose still around his neck) as further punishment for his evil deeds.” —Jen

I’ve never had so much macabre fun reading a thesis.

Jen Reads Junkmail »

You know those nonsense spam emails you get? The ones that say things like:

Lomasa of fear because of the consequences of his wrong canals the gondoliers should row their pleasureboat.

Yeah, those. I know you don’t read them, but Jen does. Then she takes a set of Sharpies and reveals the stories—the laughter—the humanity!—behind these seemingly innocuous messages.

(Warning: this website contains material which may not be suitable for all audiences…specifically Jen’s interpretation of “pleasureboat.” Surfer discretion is advised.)

“Hey, I just invented a fun new game. It’s called ‘see how far you can push in your floating ribs before you chicken out thinking you’re going to dislodge the cartilage, which may not even be physically possible, as you’re more likely to just break your rib.’ I can do about an inch and a half.”

—A future pediatric surgeon, ladies and gentlemen.

It wasn't a good article.

Jen: I left feedback on their site saying it was the best thing I had ever read from them, and thanking them.
Jen: Oh, and when it asked me to categorize my feedback, out of the list of options, I chose "offensive".